I know I'm beautiful, even if you don't think so

My take on what it means to confident on how I look like despite negative comments from people around me. This post contains swear words. If offended , consider this a trigger warning.

As I am writing this, I am processing a hateful email that I have received in my work email. It was sent to me anonymously. Fortunately, the IT Team at my work place are working on finding out who the person behind this email is and hopefully some kind of consequence can be given to this person. Here is a screenshot of what was sent to me:

This is of course not the first time hurtful comments about the way I look or what size I am have been directed at me. But it is the first time someone has attempted to bully me using my work email and that is the part that I find scary.

However, it made me think about all the different types of negative comments that I have received and how they have sticked with me.

Remembered Quotes of all the negative comments I have got about my body:

• “Your thighs are so huge” - mother, while lying on my bed, trying to bond with me, with a disgusted look on her face

• “You could have lost more weight for the wedding dress” - my grandfather, on a phone call to congratulate me for getting married, after seeing my wedding pictures (side note: I thought I looked beautiful and was in perfect shape for me when I got married - but what did I know?)

• “My sister is the ugliest person I know” - words my sister wrote in her diary when she was barely a teenager

• “Since you are bigger, I think you need someone with a bigger penis to satisfy you” - ex-husband, probably around the time he started having an affair

• “I like big girls who are active” - female colleague from Singapore

• “Can she really play? Is she good?” - primary PE teacher to my netball coach when she saw that I made it to the main netball team

• “You should be in the shot put games, not running rally” - same primary PE teacher to me

• “She looks like a dog when running. Cue laughter.” - a mum to her primary school child said this in Malay

• “You look good after losing weight” - grandfather to me, first thing he said after not seeing me in years. (Where were the I miss yous and I am proud of yous?)

• “You are losing too much weight, soon you’ll disappear,” female colleague to me in Germany

• “No wonder she’s so fat” - grandmother after mishearing that I only eat egg whites. (Context: When I was in India visiting her with my ex-husband, I gave the egg yolk to him because I did not like it. I told her “I just like the egg whites.” and she thought I said “I just like the egg yolk.”)

• “I have never seen such huge thighs before” -female colleague to me in Singapore at a yearly end of year party `

• “Pizza face” - all the boys in my secondary school

• “Maybe your back pain is due to your weight” - all the doctors I went to (no, it’s not)

• “I think she has two, no three, wow so many” - primary school best friend staring at my eyes and talking to someone else about my double eye-lids

• “Close your mouth!” - my sister’s wedding make-up artist who was taking a picture of us; surprised that I would smile so widely despite my gap in between my front teeth

• “If you were here earlier, I would have given you temporary veneers to cover your gap” - dentist aunt at my sister’s wedding

• “Don’t smile in photos. Your teeth doesn’t look nice” - my father when I was a child

• “Please don’t wear crop tops” - ex husband

• “You look like a clown when you put on red lipstick” - ex husband

And you know what I say to all these quotes? I say, “Fuck you.”

The more comments that I have heard, the more I stand up to them and love myself even more. So if people tell me I shouldn’t smile, I smile in every picture, exposing my gap teeth for the whole world to see.

I use red lipstick because I love how it highlights my lips and transforms my face. I also love skirts and bikinis that show my belly and my legs. Those who think I should not do that, should just check themselves and look the other way because I am not someone who is going to conform to the whims of others.

Feeling this way does not mean I do not have insecurities about my body. I do. Especially now - a year or so after having surgery to remove an 11cm cyst that was growing in my uterus. My energy levels have not been the same and I have not returned to being as physically active as I was before I had the surgery. However, I love and trust myself that when I am ready, I will build it up again. So that being said, I do not accept negative comments from myself.

I remember sometime last year I was feeling insecure in a dress because it was body fitting and my now very protruding belly made me feel insecure. Looking in the mirror, I did not like the way my belly looked and wanted to change into something else. I caught that negative thought in time and squashed it. I left my flat with the purple dress still on my body. I worked, taught, went out with friends. These friends even gave me compliments on the dress.

I am very proud of myself for always adopting this attitude when it comes to my body. I also know that telling my story inspires other people as well. My friends are always amazed at this attitude I have towards body image.

I have had one situationship in my life. While I am glad that that has come to an end, I will remember what he said to me once - “I am in awe with how confident you are in your own body and skin. I am sure you went through a lot of personal growth to get this confidence.”

If you are out there feeling down about your body, I hope you know that there are people out there who would think that every inch of you is beautiful. However, the first person who needs to believe that is you. Even if the whole world thinks that you are the hottest person in the planet, you will not believe it until you feel that way in your soul and heart.

Here are some things that have helped me to develop this attitude and build self-confidence to love myself no matter what size I am:

• Catch my inner critic and sooth her:

  I have negative thoughts about my body, for sure. Over the years, they come up less and less - it is close to zero now. However, whenever they do come up, I am able to silence her. I believe that I need to be someone who loves myself. Would I say negative things to someone I love? I won’t. I can be honest, but I do not need to be negative.

  As you can see from the long list of negative comments I have got, unkind comments come from people who I thought were supposed to love me. Love builds people up, not tear them down. I do not want to be someone who tears me down. So once a negative thought arises, I change it to a more positive thought.

  “Yes, my belly is big now, but maybe I will feel better about my belly if I go for Zumba lessons and see how beautifully it jiggles along with the music.”

• Joyful Movement

  I move because I want to. I walk my dog. I go to the gym when I want to. I walk with friends. I run when I want to. I lift when I want to. I dance. I dance like no one’s judging at me. I dance like I am the only one in the room. I dance like I am performing to an arena and everyone has paid to watch me. I find classes that make me feel good. I move because I want to and not to lose weight.

• I keep all pictures I take of myself and have been taken of me

  Yes there are so many photographs that I have taken or that have been taken of me that I do not like. But I do not allow myself to delete them. I do not let myself erase moments with my friends, boyfriend or family just because I did not like the way my chin looks or that I think I have a bad side.

  Those thoughts are there, but I let them pass and instead focus on the joy on my face when that moment was captured or the memory behind the photograph. The memory was beautiful. Time spent with friends is beautiful. I capture it, I print it out, I scrapbook it and I keep it.

  I keep all of me and I love all of me - bad sides and double chins and pimples and scars.

• Love my scars

  The first night I spent with my boyfriend, I told him about my surgery and showed him my scars. He kissed them.

  Even before meeting him, I would touch those scars lovingly and think about how those scars are a physically reminder of how I do not bleed buckets when I get my period anymore. Yes, I have other effects from the surgery, but it was something needed and my body feels better after having it.

• Surround myself with people who also think I am beautiful

  If you look at the list of negative comments that I have listed, you will see that I am no longer married. He was someone that in the end could not appreciate how beautiful I was because he could only love me until I was a certain size, when weight piled on, he could not handle it. So, he’s not in my life.

  With my family it is complicated. My siblings are huge body positivity advocates as well and as we have grown into adults, they have nothing but love for me. My mother has learnt to keep her comments to herself even if she still has those thoughts. I think she knows she will lose me if she does not respect my boundaries.

  My friends love my body, confidence, attitude and personality. My boyfriend well, he thinks I am hot, beautiful and does not care what I wear or don’t wear. He does not care if I wear make up or no make-up.

So anonymous email person, I hope you grow up to be a kinder person than you are now and find ways to love yourself too.

Here’s a picture of me that a wonderful friend took when we went out to have dinner for my birthday:

Always love yourself my dear readers, even when you think you can’t.

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